Tired

I will not go in to a long dissertation on the origin of the word “exhausted”.  It is not necessary to know the history of the word to understand its’ common meaning.  But I wonder how many people use this word, and think they know what it means, but actually do not.

I am not tired in the sense that I stayed up too late last night.  I am not tired in that I have performed some hard, physical labor and worn myself out.  I am exhausted.  I am bone weary.  I wake up feeling like I never went to sleep.  Walking in from the parking lot feels like an imposition.  I have no energy or enthusiasm for anything.  If I sit still and do nothing for more than a couple of minutes I will nod off.  This situation does not change no matter how early or how late I go to bed.  Though, if I stay up too late it gets worse.  But going to bed early makes no difference.

I began, a few days ago, to contemplate the upside to the circumstance I find myself in at work.  That being, that I do not have to be here mentally to do this job.  I do not take work home with me.  I do not spend my evenings and weekends trying to work out a situation in my mind before arriving back at work.  So…  I am free to apply my mental energy to the things I actually care about, and to spend my free time doing the things I’d rather be doing.

That’s the silver lining.

The cloud is the way I feel each morning as I pass through the gate.  It is the emotional equivalent to being dropped in to an Olympic Swimming pool full of Jello.

There is no point or purpose.  I am not using any talents or gifts.  I am routinely surrounded by people who have no idea where I’m coming from or what I’m talking about.  Because they were born for manual labor, and their minds do not expand much beyond picking something up and putting it down.  It is a frustrating, tiresome existence.  There is no challenge, no growth, and no opportunity for advancement.

As is frequently the case in these types of situations, the people running things are not doing so because they are particularly good at it.  They were simply here first, or knew someone, or planted their lips on the ass of the man above them at just the right time.  So I suffer the plight of “technicians” all over the world.  Where some bean counter wants you to do what cannot be done, and because he has no experience actually doing it you cannot get him to understand why it cannot be done.

We get told that we need to make sure the customer is happy, because our contract is up for renewal.  At the same time we are not supposed to go “above and beyond” in fulfilling the terms of our contract because it affects the metrics when we take extra time with someone…and the metrics must look good, because our contract is up for renewal.

I am expecting a letter shortly.  It’s a thanks for going the extra mile from a Director.  The only way to get higher up the chain would be to get something from THE Director of the agency.  Will I get any kind of recognition from those above me for a job well done, or reflecting well on our company to a very high level individual?  Not likely.  What is more likely is that my manager will view this as a threat to his position, and he will bury it

Which is why I asked the Director’s assistant to CC the Director of Global Operations for my company on the letter, and not just my supervisor.  But the real question is, should I have to go around my manager just to get recognized for doing a good job?  No, I shouldn’t.  But this is how it is.

I am so tired….

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