It’s December 26th. I have returned to work.
I spent most of yesterday playing the newest Total War game on my PC. My wife slept all day because she had to work last night. The kids were with their mom.
Whenever I am on my computer I log in to Teamspeak. Over the course of the day several people logged in. We all wished each other Merry Christmas, etc. But I suspect we all suffer from the same thing. Lack of a life.
I watched WWE:For All Mankind last night. It is the story of Mick Foley (aka Cactus Jack, aka Mankind) , professional wrestler, best selling author, philanthropist, and from all appearances, all-around good guy.
He talked about the moment that defined his life, gave him purpose and set his course. It was a moment I remember well, as I too witnessed it. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka standing on top of the steel cage, as he put it, “bathed in blood and flashbulbs”, preparing to dive off on to the prone form of Don Moraco. It was in that moment that Mick Foley determined what he wanted to do with his life.
And here is the thing that separates him from the rest of us…. he did it.
Entering a world of Adonises and Prima donna’s, as a gangly, not overly built kid, he set out to make a name for himself through his style and willingness to sacrifice himself for the fans. Over the course of 25+ years he became known as “The Hardcore Legend”. People stood in the stands with signs that read, “Foley is God“. The biggest names in the business paid homage to him in the video I watched. He effectively launched a company, spawned a genre, and defined an industry. And then he went home to be with his kids.
Today… I will plug in some machines and put them on the network.
The contrast does not escape me.
In a moment of introspection I find that honesty dictates I accurately relate what it is that he has, that I lack. That being, I never had that moment. I never found that thing that fired me up and motivated me. I was never able to look down the road and see the goal, and so I was never inspired to push on through the “dues paying” period.
As I sit and think about it now, at the age of 43, having experienced all that I have thus far, I am still not able to answer that question. Or rather, I am not able to answer it with anything that seems reasonable to me.
I would like to play music. But I don’t see that as a reasonable profession for me at this point. And so, because my mind is wired in a disadvantageous manner, because I cannot win I choose not to play. Which leads to discontent.
Perhaps, at some point, I will learn to do in life what I do in video games. That is, to enjoy the playing without regard for the winning and losing. Which is not to say I do not strive to win. I do. But more than that I strive to enjoy the game, and hope to win.
Perhaps it is medication that I need. Though I am equally unmotivated to seek that treatment. Perhaps that will change in the new year.