Voodoo! And It Works…

I am what you might call, “old school”.   Men don’t cry.  Suck it up, buttercup.  You know, the whole deal.  Prayer doesn’t change things, hard work does.  Etc.

But, as I noted yesterday, I am now dealing with some inner turmoil and anxiety which has got me all out of whack.  Not to mention the blood sugar related issues.  So, I’m hot.  I’m cold.  I feel like I’m going to pass out sometimes, which is generally a result of hypoglycemia.  So of course that has me mixed up, because my sugar is high, not low.  Basically, in terms of a brief summary, I feel like shit.

Falling asleep at an hour even remotely close to the schedule I must readjust to in order to return to work is proving difficult.  I will have to pick up some sort of sleep aid this afternoon, and hope that it works.  But yesterday my biggest concern was this inexplicable anxiety I have been feeling lately.  As it happens, right in the middle of writing about it, I got a phone call from the only person I have known since High School that I still talk to.  Who also happens to be getting her PhD in psychology and works as a counselor.  So… not a bad sounding board at the moment.

We spent about an hour discussing the issue.

Having walked away from Christianity a number of years ago, I have had a tendency to disregard anything that sounded even remotely like hocus-pocus. I have smirked and mocked people who talk about being, “mindful”. I put no stock in meditation, in just the same way I put no stock in prayer. But when you find yourself at the end of your rope, you also find yourself willing to consider new things.

My friend recommended to me that I concentrate on controlling my breathing and counting. This, she said, was the essence of meditation. She also advised me to try to remain focused on the moment in which I found myself. Rather than my normal method which involves worrying myself sick about every possibility and permutation of the hours, days, weeks, and months ahead.  So, what the hell…I gave it a shot, and it worked.

I have spent a very long time with a white knuckle grip on the steering wheel of my life. I have plotted and planned. I have set goals for myself and then achieved those goals, only to find that there was no fulfillment in doing so. I have scratched and clawed my way up the ladder, only to find that I did not like the view.

My friend refers to my state of mind as, “existential angst”. I say, call it what you will. Whatever it is, I don’t like it.

She advised me to think. To remind myself at any given moment that I am wherever I am and that’s what I should focus on. So I did.

Last night when I went to bed I laid there breathing in and out through my nose and counting. It’s funny that something so simple can have such a profound effect, but it most certainly did. I did not find myself dealing with the anxiety issue, or at least nowhere near to the same extent. I still wasn’t able to fall asleep when I wanted to and I’m not sure why, but it wasn’t anxiety keeping me awake.

I used to be afraid of change. I like things to be nice, neat, and orderly. I wanted to do the same things at the same time. I wanted to map out a plan, say for something like paying off bills, and then have that plan executed. I want to know that I was coming home to the same place, and the same people. I wanted to go to work and do my job, and come home. But, it seems like change is the new normal for me.

If this last six months has taught me anything it is that nothing stays the same. No matter how hard I plot and plan, unexpected things happen. Like going to bed one night feeling fine and waking up the next morning in so much pain that you can’t go to work for three months. Or having the surgery to fix that original pain only to have it move to somewhere else. Then, just when you think you are done with all the medical issues, a new problem pops up.

It is to some degree this lack of predictability, and my inability to control what is happening to my own body that is causing this angst. The feeling that I am not in control has always been scary to me. It’s the reason I don’t understand people who take drugs. I never want to be, “out of it”. I never want to be, “high”. I want to be grounded, rational, and in control. Right now I’m not. I think that, combined with the effects of various medications, and the feeling of being weak and vulnerable, is the source of my anxiety.  In fact I sincerely hope that’s the case, because I don’t like some of the alternatives.

Thaeda believes that this whole process I’m going through will result in some marvelous transformation. Normally I would scoff at such a notion. Now, I’m not so sure. We talked for a while about how I have been able to deal with issues and overcome adversities in my life. I described it as myself being a rock in the middle of the river. I simply let the river flow around me and thereby got through whatever the problem was. But now the rock‘s problem is not the river, it’s the rock.

So I’m going to keep my mind open. I’m going to try, as hard as I know it will be, to embrace change. If this period has taught me anything it is that the people in my life are the most important part. So I’m going to try to open up. I’m going to try to be more caring and kind. Especially to my wife, who has been steadfast by my side through this whole ordeal. I cannot imagine where I’d be right now without her.

Lastly, I’m going to get serious about unburdening my family from these financial obligations. In order for real change to happen I need to create an avenue whereby it can happen. Right now that road is closed, but I’m gonna see what I can do about that.

I know that nothing that is wrong with me is life threatening. At least not in the near term. Obviously, diabetes can kill you if left unchecked. But I don’t plan to leave it unchecked. But all these ailments and illnesses, pains and pills, hours and days of doing nothing, have given me time to think. I have thought about where I am, and I have thought about where I want to be. I do not know yet specifically what I want to do. I only know that I want to make the hours count. I want to feel like I’m not wasting my life, like what I’m doing matters. Even if the only person that it matters to is me.

Therein lies the key, and the first step towards change. To come to the realization that I do not need to do something for recognition, a big paycheck, or renown. I only need to do something that leaves me feeling like I did something. Life lived, not merely endured. Hours spent, not wasted.

So there remain goals and objectives, and things I will try to control. But for right now I’m just going to try to control my breathing and count to six…

Welcome To Your New Life!

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 45. Sunday, I got medical verification of something long suspected. That being, that I am diabetic.

I realize this is by no means a death sentence, or anything nearly that dramatic. But, it will of course change my life. I’ll have to monitor what I eat and when. I‘ll have to do these finger pricks several times a day. If I’m able to control it simply through diet and exercise then it won’t really be much more than an inconvenience. If not, that’s a different story.

The thing that is troubling me most at the moment though, is not the diabetes diagnosis. It is an anxiety I have become aware of, that is impacting me every day. It is difficult to describe exactly what the problem is. Or rather, what the root of the problem is. The symptoms themselves are easy to describe.

It is 5:22 PM in my little corner of the world. In just a few hours I’ll need to go to sleep, as I try to get back on my regular work schedule. My wife on the other hand will set up all night long, and sleep all day tomorrow, because she works nights. For some reason going to bed alone has started to scare me. And even though I know she’ll be in the next room it still causes me anxiety. Tomorrow night she’ll be at work, and I don’t know if I’ll go to sleep at all.

This is brand-new. I have spent many a night by myself over the course of my life and especially the last 10 years. I’ve stayed in hotel rooms when I had to travel for work. I had no problems. I have worked the opposite shift from my wife for several years now; awake when she was asleep, asleep when she was awake. Not until the last 10 days or so has there ever been an issue. But there is one now.

It may be that over the course of all these treatments a mixture of medications has caused some kind a chemical imbalance. Or, it may be that I’m feeling weak and frail and that scares me. I have always been an introspective person and I have spent more than a few minutes trying to figure this out. I know what I feel but I don’t know why I feel it, and that is a concern to me.

I am hopeful that as my blood sugar normalizes, and my strength returns, that this frail, sickly feeling will pass.  I am also hopeful that this anxiety will pass with it. I am not accustomed to feeling like this, and I do not wish to become accustomed to it.

It’s hard to describe in exact terms. It’s a sinking feeling, a dread, a fear bordering on paranoia. It keeps me awake at night. Even now as I sit here my wife is taking a nap, so I am in essence alone. That is enough to set it off.

I cannot recall the exact day when these feelings began but I know it’s very recent. I believe it started after I was prescribed Zoloft, ironically enough, to help me sleep. What it actually did was jacked me up as if I had drunk several cups of coffee immediately before going to bed.

In any event, of the various conditions I am currently dealing with this is the one that most concerns me. I can handle drinking more water. I can handle cutting out treats, eating less sugar,

And all the other stuff that comes along with diabetes. Is this inner turmoil that I can’t handle.

Between the last sentence and this one my phone rang and I had a hour-long conversation with an old, and very dear friend. She helped me put some things in perspective, and gave me some things to try. It’s funny how just connecting with another human being can change things. I don’t know how I’ll feel later tonight or tomorrow, but what I do know is I feel better now than I did before the phone rang.

Something else I know is that things get worse or better, nothing stays the same. So, I’m going to hope for better and try my best to set aside these thoughts and feelings. Get some sleep. Start eating healthy. Regained my strength. Reclaim my life.  I’m going to try to be more open to more things. I’m going to try not just to reclaim the life I have had, but to transition into the life I want to have over time.

But for right now I’m going to stay focused on the moment in which I find myself. Because if there is one thing that I have learned from this whole experience, and verbalized during this phone conversation, it is that I cannot control everything. I cannot plan for everything.

I just have to take each day as it comes. Or, as my friend’s daughter says, “roll with it, lean with it”.

New Year’s Resolution

I hesitated to write this post, having just written one a few days back skewering people who make resolutions.  Statistically, most are abandoned.  In many cases, in just a few days.

I have made a couple changes recently.  Though not precisely in line with New Year’s Day.  And not so much in the form of a resolution.

I am 6’4.  At one point in the not so distant past I was up to 300 pounds.  I am currently 265. 

Some time ago my mother, who is diabetic, decided to test my blood sugar.  When the meter showed the level my mother looked at me and said, “If you don’t change something you are going to die”.  That was about 10 years ago….and I didn’t change anything.

I eat too much.  I eat the wrong things.  I drink a 12 pack of soda over the course of a single day sometimes, on the weekend.  I got to where I was using bigger cups and pouring the Cokes in 2 at a time.

That is to say, I did do those things.

About a week or so ago I woke up tired, feeling like crap (again), and hating life.  I talked to my wife for a minute and I told her what my mother had said a decade ago about changing the things I eat and drink.  And right then and there I made a decision.

I asked my wife to pick up a water filter.  She got the big Brita that sits in the fridge and has a tap.  I instructed her not to purchase any more soda for me, and to change the snacks from chips and cookies to yogurt, strawberries, apples, etc.

I have stuck with it thus far, and see no reason I will not continue to do so.

I like drinking water.  Carrots, strawberries and apples are tasty.  I have no need or desire to go back to junk food.

Now, to be clear, I am not a fool.  I understand that the majority of people fail in their “diets” because they try to go too hard, too fast.  So I have adopted (loosely) an 80-20 rule.  80% stuff that’s either good for me or at least not bad for me, and 20% whatever the hell I feel like.

So yeah, I bought a container with 8 white macadamia chip cookies in it.  But instead of scarfing those cookies down while watching t.v. in a half an hour, I at 2 a day for 4 days.

I took my wife out to Chili’s the other day and I had a soda with my dinner.  ONE soda.  I uh…also had 4 Blackberry Petron margaritas.  OMG!  Have you tried these things?

The point being, I am lowering my caloric intake, and most importantly my sugar intake.

I have a plan to start getting some exercise soon, I just haven’t figure out how yet.  I’m not sure I want to go to a gym.  And I’m not sure I have room in my house for a home gym.  So maybe just walking, stretching, etc.

I do have U-Fit for my XBOX 360.  Maybe I’ll use that.

So on top of scathing commentary on life and the idiots that populate it; and reviews of the ineffective and unqualified management at my job; I will be updating my health status here as well.

I think sometimes it’s a little crazy that we try to compartmentalize so much of our lives.  People write a dieting blog, or a cooking blog, or a religious blog.  But what if you’re a religious person who loves to cook and needs to lose weight?  

I think many of these people have some desire to share some part of their lives with others, but are either afraid or simply disinclined to share all of it.  I am not afraid.  Life has its’ ups and downs.  Crazy things happen.  Good things and bad things happen.  I think they all deserve to be talked about.  So, I treat this blog like a diary that everyone else is invited to read.

I’m just me.  This blog is subtitled “Life as I see it”.  So whatever is going on in my life has a reasonable chance of appearing here.  Right now, I am trying to avoid going blind, losing my feet, winding up on insulin, and dying early.  That seems like something worth talking about.

I’ll keep you posted.